Druggie

Lately the doc has been switchin my medications up a lot. So its kind of been messin with my system a bit, along with my own thoughts and such. Ive cried more recently and Ive just lost myself in depression. Im trying really hard tonight not to be depressed. For my sake and my boyfriends sake. He really does worry a lot about me. Ive been smoking pot in recent months, but I dont get a lot, only from friends cuz I have no money. I have no more to say forgive me for not writing more. I have forgotten what I really wanted to say.

New followers

I noticed I have a couple new followers on my blog, Im glad you like it enough to follow my ramblings. Im having a hard time messaging you guys thats why Im doing this post. I dont know if you follow me regularly but I hope you do. I have a lot to say and like having people to listen to me. I have a facebook, just comment and I'll link you if you wanna get to know me better or something crazy like that. Haha.

Lately things have been alright, I havent written much poetry lately. However I did write one for my bf a couple nights ago, that I still need to give him. I also have gotten caught up with a friend from high school. He just got outta basic training, and contacted me. Nice to hear from him ^.^. I think my bf has got the job he wanted, hes getting a call within the week to know for sure. I hope he does, that will be so good for him. <3

and we shall end this with a your mom joke

So Im high, first off. You know, I think Im more of who I really am when Im drunk or high. Then again maybe not. I guess its just that my subconcious is more intensified maybe? Idk I really dun wanna type that much tonight, but I figure a random update is in order. I had a dream last night about God. It was nice. In reality though, some things really irritate me about him. I love my God, but Im frustrated. Shout out to all my awesome friends I fucking love you! My wonderful boyfriend too. Much love.

aaaaand Your mom is so fat. The end. hahaha.

Today..eh

Today was actually a good day/evening, until the very end when my OCD decided to attack me. Im not proud of it, but I cant control my obsessive thoughts. I cant to a point but sometimes its hard. I made Matt upset. Im in a better mood, but Im still ashamed of that part of me. Uhg. So many things in my head that I cant get out. Its overwhelming sometimes. Its what got me into a counselor in the first place -.- *sigh*

Im kind of glad only a couple people read my blog, then I dont have to worry so much. Its been 4 days since Ive smoked weed, Im not enjoying it much, though I like to count the days. I stopped for Matt, I really do feel like I need it sometimes. It sucks cuz it really helps with my depression and anxiety, but its not legal. Go figure the one thing that works is something I have to sneak around about for the most part. Im a pot head, I'll admit it, but it helps so honestly if it werent for Matt, I wouldnt care. I love him and thats why Im stopping, not because I really want to, but because he gets sad when I do. I almost did tonight, really, Im still considering it. I cant though. He stopped drinking, I stopped pot. Uhg.
So many things could be fixed if weed were legal. Honestly. Nobody agrees with a statement like that til they try it. Not even me. I had reason to hate weed, but now I dont. If there were a way to extract THC and put it in a pill, then there would be less reason. That way there would be no inhalation of smoke. You can put it in food sure, but you gotta have a lot, and thats expensive. So would be the pills, maybe at first, but so many people would by them, they would be like $20 for a two week supply. Itd be awesome! Sadly that is only but a distant dream for now.

Instead Im suppose to listen to a psychiatrist that gives me pills on the first appointment. A woman who nit picks at my heart and barely knows me, except for what I wrote down on a stupid paper. Im not taking those social anxiety pills, I dont want them, nor need them. I am gonna tell her straight up at my next appointment how I feel, thats what shes there for right? *heavy angry sarcasm* She just tics me off, uhg! I hate confrontation, but I feel that its really necessary in this case, if Im gonna get better, she ought to get to know me better.....or eat my words and watch my backside walk out her office.

darn it

I got on to write an in depth post and now I cant remember much, if at all, what I was going to say. Anyway, you know, as much as Im able to deal with, Im tired of dealing with depression. I try to give it to God but he doesnt take it. Its like a stupid bag of junk that follows me around. Im really tired of tears, and pills, and I hate my new psychiatrist. She gave me pills on the first appointment. Stuff to slow my heart rate and to help my ADD....how does that help my depression?

Wrote a poem Called: To Be You, and posted it just now on FB.

Whats it like to be you?

You who doesnt lose control

you who can have a tight hold

onto material and emotional things?

see the silver lining

and not sink in the mud the rain brings

you who knows how it feels to sit still

who can function without a handfull of pills

spend time with their thoughts

and let them float away

smile 

and still be smiling at the end of the day

what is it like to be you?

I wish for one day I could be

even though I like who I am

it just bugs me to know

that I cant and you can.

I want to fall asleep

without nightmares instead of dreams

I want to party

and forget the paranoia

meet someone new 

and get to know ya.

Be me without some things

that hold me back from living.

Treasure what you have

and I will treasure mine

just remember that for next time

when you think you got it bad

cause there are worse things that you could have.

I will say though

everyone has a breaking point

so no one can compare

I just want to know

What is it like to be you?

I think it explains a lot of things, about me. Without having to ramble on. Its about my depression, anxiety, and my neurological disorder (PKD). 

Workin on it.....

Sort of, I sorta wanna get some of my life back together, but I sorta dont. You know? Like I know certain things I could handle fixing, and other things I dont wanna give up. Like I can deal with patching things up with Matts sister, but I cant deal with one of my addictions. Its just grr. I seem always in the middle with decisions. Maybe I'll get better as I get older, maybe I'll learn better. I dont know.

-------------------later----------
You know, how the crap will my heart know if Im suppose to be with someone. Cause I thought I knew and I dont. What about now, is this just another heartbreak waiting to happen? He loves me! Why do I still doubt. Thats what I said about a couple other people though. I just dont know, ag! I want to fall in love with someone for good, not as a prize but just someone to love...right now I love Matt, I really dont wanna love anyone else. Why does love have to feel so fucking hard?! Why not make love easy if its what God wants us to do? Fuck fear, fuck doubts, and fuck anyone who tries to stand in my way.

Anime

So haha Im on an anime kick, I use to hate it, but my bf and a couple other friends got me reinterested. Blah! Im working on drawing some, and I like to roleplay as a neko, but thats about it.

Boyfriend is going to his interview tomorrow, cuz it got rescheduled. I hope he gets the job, he really need it, bad.

I think too much  haha. Thats why Ive been drawing this evening and watching my Skillet DVD. Oh and txting my best friend Jessa. Now Im writing, yay, one of my passions! I dont have a lot to say, but thats ok. I spose. Haha. Oh! Alisha, she met a girl named Jillian, who is an aspiring make up artist. So Alisha and Jillian are gonna make me their guinea pig next month, and use me to expand their portfolios. Honestly, Im excited, I love to do stuff like that....and to think, IM pretty enough to put in their portfolios. ^_^ it makes me feel good. I guess its also cuz Im free and willing. Haha. Makes me sound like a whore. So look out in a while for pics on FB, I hope I can get them all when they are done.