ablangada

less than 3 days til spring break, I'm pretty excited. Can't wait to get a little break, I still might be makin' up work though. I'm so behind, it sucks, I also have to read a book over the break and do a report on it. >,<
Ive been really worried about one of my best friends lately. Shes been involved sexually, way too much with her boyfriend, I just, I'm scared for her. I understand shes been under a lot of stress lately, which is why its hard to talk to her. I am happy thought that she is doing better physically today.
Peter and myself are doing ok, we are both awfully lonely lately though. It's been pretty rough since he went back to Chicago in February. We've had quite a bit of issues, both of us making more than we need. I love him dearly though, always will.
I wrote an article on nightmares for class, cause Ive been having them recently, so that was like, one of the first things that came to mind. Anyway, peace out. 

Girl with the purple hair

So ya I cut and dyed my hair. Stained the shower and sink purple. Along with my skin, but I fixed that. hope there wont be any purple people eaters comin to visit me...>.>......<.<.....0.0.
Peter is comin home from his trip today. We talked on the phone a bit, he seemed to have learned a lot about himself. Im also struggling with myself. Not sure with what though. We are still together and thats what matters. I think Im still dealing with my feelings from last week. Its hard, but I know I still love him. I really miss him.
Things have been going better with Jessaca and myself. Our friendship is a lot deeper now. Im not sure how much she's been listening about things, I think its just mostly its a big struggle, not that she doesnt listen.
Me and Alisha, I cant really say right now, because I dont really know. Its a complicated friendship, but a friendship none-the-less.

Bless it...Im alive another day

Life has been stressful lately, school, relationships. Its not a lot, but that's my life right now. If I had a job, that'd prolly be part of my stress too. I thought I had an interview yesterday for Wild Waves, but then they called back right after I got out of school and said "oh her interview isn't today, but we'll call back" uhg. Oh well.
You know I cant wait to graduate, I'm a little behind right now, but I know I'm gonna make it. I have to. I'm scared, but hopeful, that's been my catch-phrase lately. I don't know if I will be walking because Ive missed so many days, but all I'm worried about is my diploma. I'm getting the gown anyway, I can just take pics in it. Ive been unique from the start, what a way to end school right? XD.
Me and Peter, whoo, I don't know, we've been having our issues, but I love him so much. I just wanted to slow down, he didn't take it well. I think he's doing better today though. We are trying to really make our relationship a more Christ centered relationship. I don't know why but the right way always seems to be the most painful in the beginning. Sometimes he drives me crazy, but I care about him so much, and I wouldn't do this if I didn't feel it was Gods will. Its also a bit of a relief. I'm not ready for official engagement, maybe Peter is, but our lives aren't ready for it.

Depression

Ok so here I am again, blogging to myself, and one other person really, cuz the other two dont read it. I have been depressed today and its putting lots of thoughts in my head. It started with Peter not being himself last night, and he brought to my attention that it may not change for a while. I told him Id be there for him no matter what. He doesnt like who hes been becoming lately, and for some of it....niether do I. I love him dearly though, with all my heart. So some things were said last night and it depressed me. He says today that we will be ok, I believe him, because I trust God.
So I was praying today and trying to here from God, you know, what should I do. Nothing. I figure it will come when my heart is more open to his words. I feel open, but its not always about me. In fact its never about me.
Have you ever wished to accidently die? I have. I wish that I hadn't thought of that, but I do. To me it seems better than suicide. I guess its not really. Just sometimes, I think it would make all pains go away, but then there is Peter and Jessa and Alisha and Aaron, etc, who love me too much for me to let them live without me.
I thought about my ex's today, 2 in particular. One of which I thought about the disgusting things he use to do to me. At the time, I guess I just stopped caring about me and only cared about him. It makes me sick, because I let those things happen, and I let him do those things to my body and my heart, and manipulate my mind. If I wrote it all out, whoever read it would hunt him down to kill. I dont want that though, its over and done with. Death would be too easy for him. Then the other was really just one simple moment, when I realized, after all that time, I was not a priority at all.
I guess that got me thinking about Peter. I know Peter is who God has shown him to me to be. If that makes sense. I couldnt help but compare my ex's to him, and that was the worst idea ever. It got me thinking oh hey, and what if. Bullshit.
Why is it that depression pays more attention to detail than happiness. I write more about my struggles than I do my happiness. I try to write about my happiness, I really do, but it just, I dont know I guess it is like water color paints. It melds together if you have a bunch of colors. Depression is one maybe three colors, gray, blue, and nothing. easy to keep those on the page. I hate depression, it eats me up, and I let it happen. Its my inspiration, its my demon. I hate it so much, but I deal with it. Happiness is hard to keep, depression I can hold on to all day and it likes to follow.
When Im depressed I feel like taking a knife to my heart and splitting it open so I can bleed out the pain. Like when you cry, its like pushing out the pain from your tears. I cant tell you how wierd this is making me feel talking about all this.
Sometimes I imagine myself sitting down in the pooring rain, no tears though, just sitting there, and then lying down. Thats it, I guess I just find the rain refreshing....

Im done talking now...

I want to be a follower

This week is testing week for the Sophmores and select Juniors. Being a Senior I dont have to come in til 10:35am buuut, I dont drive, so I have to sit in the gym for a few hours. How lame. Im sick too, so I could use the extra sleep, too bad I guess.
I went to church on Sunday, it was refreshing. I did a lot of reflecting on my relationship with Christ. It was about being a follower not a fan. I was thinking hard about how if God told me to walk away from the "most important" thing in my life right now, could I. I think I could, but I definately need to focus on Him more. My heart says a lot of things, but I can tell Satan is really getting into my head. I need to pray more and try harder and let God be who he is in me. I can tell somewhere in me, there is a girl who is ashamed of her God. I dont want to admit it, but it seems to show sometimes. Embarassed is a better word, but doesnt make it better really. I hope God doesnt punish me too hard for it. I know he knows Im only human.

I will post a song I wrote a while back later, I do not have access to it at this current point in time.

WOOT

So finally spent some time with Jessa, long time comin. Im at her house today, I think we are gonna see a movie or something. I had the craziest dream last night, and I think its because Im not entirely fond of her dad. Hes ok I guess. I have homework, but Im not gonna do it til Sunday, lol. Well Im bored and this was a pointless entry. Peace out. <3

FRIDAY!

So its Friday again.....thank God for Fridays. I took a test today hoping it gets my Personal Finance grade up, its 9:12am...too much of the day left to go, bleck. I enjoyed math today, I got some problems right, that a lot of the class didnt. Apparently I'm better at reading directions than they are : D . Im happy that Im understanding math again, but we have hw this weekend, booooo! Oh well. Still wondering if I should go to Tolo tonight. Probably wont, I have no friends to go with :(. Its $8 a person, :p. Idk. Its alice in wonder land themed and I want to wear my blue dress, but Im finiky with my money. Especially cuz of Creation this summer. I might go, who knows.

In Gods Garden

So I got this message from the Spirit Family website (105.3fm) and I get little, daily, encouraging messages from the hosts. So this is one I got....

Just a week and a half until the first day of Spring. I'm already looking forward to getting out in my trowel and weed puller and taking on my yard. I used to wish there was a way to just rake everything once and have it never come back. Not so much. It's why I uproot each little weed. I've actually come to enjoy it. There’s something so satisfying about looking at a small patch of ground that is clear because I spent some time. God is the same kind of gardener when it comes to the bad habits in our lives. So glad He takes the care and the time to get things clear. 

Something that I guess God is helping me with is my motivation. I'm starting to get more and more motivation to improve my grades. I also see God uprooting weeds in areas of my friends lives and hes taking his time, I'm enjoying seeing the improvement. 

Woosh, thanks life...again

Well found out some bad news abou a friend of mine last night. Too bad Im not going into detail about it xD. Seriously though, Im really torn up about this, and Im quite angry. After it all though, knowing what I know and the things that happened, Im not mad at her for the things SHE did. Just what happend to her. I wish I could have done more, been there.
Grades are still failing, but Im going in on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays every day til my grades are up, at the request of my counselor. I really hate school, I cant wait to be out. Im not gonna miss it at least until Im 25. Then MAYBE. I feel like I work so hard and get no where. Im doing it though, mostly for Peter, I want him to be proud of me.

Worn Out

This weekend was a killer. Saturday was reletively ok but it, I dont know. Sunday me and Alisha got into a big fight about the stuff that I think what shes doing is wrong. I was at a loss of what to say and I got impulsive. Her mom talked to me and prayed with me, and some things were revealed to me, not by her but God. I went in and told her "Im sorry for getting up in your face, I love you, I havent been treating you like a human being and Im sorry for that too." So things are alright for the time being, but I couldnt sleep well at all last night. My body and mind was/is reeling with emotions. Then dad got me up and is like "I'll give you 20 minutes" waking me up from a dead sleep, .....lovely. Im freaking about my math grade, and how mom is gonna react. I dont know what she will do about it. Im worried its gonna affect me and Peter talking. Im thinking of talking to my counselor about a tutor.

Im gonna kill him

This dude is fuckin my best friend and I am more than angry about it. He talks about it freely on fb, and its just sex to him. They say I love only one month after being together, let alone have sex. I wanna fucking hit him where it counts, over and over, so that when he thinks of having sex with her, he feels me hitting him in the balls so hard he cries. If he cares about her at all he will leave her!

his post that has pushed me over the edge

ALRIGHT! SO! Sexytime already is doing this for me cuz she is awesome and knows people with the stuff I need, but if you have ANY cloths or ANY accecories or ANY jewlary you dont want any please gives to me, I need stuff >.< material and thing, if need be I will pay, I'm mainly looking for bondage style if you know what I mean (tripps)

She said I said

Some girl in P.E was being annoying and talking about so and so' d**k. So I told her to shut the f**k up. She started going off on me and I went off on her. She said she could beat my a*s and I said yeah right, but I'm not gonna fight you. She said don't talk sh** if you're not gonna fight me. I'm just staring at her at this point. So after a few minutes I tried to be the bigger person and apologize, but she just went off on me again. I'm still shaking I'm mad, and I feel kinda bad. I don't know. I don't like fighting physically *sigh*

Smile....or not

So lately, people are stressed and so am I. Life is getting to them as it is me. They seem to smile, genuine, but its like someone is pulling the corners of their mouth. Maybe Im just overthinking, I want to do my best to help, but Im only human. I need to worry about myself too, Im failing two classes. I hope I can bring 'em up. If I could hug them all and tell them its alright and it would be enough I would. I have behaviors that are bad too, but I dont believe Im wrong for wanting to stop theirs. I know the people who they are meant to be are in there, it surfaces, but they have not peeled out of their old skin, not yet. Maybe I havent either....

A promise......

I have made promises and promises have been made to me, and today I reflected on that, still dont know what good it will do. First of all the promise I made to the Lord, to follow in his way, and die to myself each day. I dont know if I have been doing that right. It is definately a hard task.
Secondly the promise Peter made to me, to be by my side the rest of my life, I have made the same to him...But away from him I feel a slight different person. Am I, or am I just too hard on myself? Is it bad I want to better myself for him? I could almost hear him say, "you shouldnt better yourself for me but for God" There is when I began to make an argument inside my head. I do wanna better myself for God, but is it wrong to use Peter as a motivation. Are my priorities not in order? Do I simply need to just stop thinking and let God work, or has my effort dwindled to none? It is all very hard, and yet easy at the same time to think about. I am in love with my God and in love with my man. Peter is a blessing and I want to be the woman he sees, with or without him. Im not perfect but I think sometimes I try too hard for that. Other times I fret over my sins or misguidedness.
Ive been drawing a picture last couple days, its really coming together, I think I'll finish it tonight. Im pleased with it so far.

sick

Im sick to my stomach and angry as all hell. I cant believe she can tear up her skin like that. Every cut makes me want to shake her. People care and she knows it but she wants to be a mess! I cant leave her to die, but what am I suppose to do when every cut reminds me of carrying her out of her bathroom to the hospital. I feel like throwing up. How could she keep doing this. You are a liar! You are a cutter! Stop lying to me! Stop cutting! Stop being so selfish!!!!! You must like the pain to want to cause it for all of us......