Ok so here I am again, blogging to myself, and one other person really, cuz the other two dont read it. I have been depressed today and its putting lots of thoughts in my head. It started with Peter not being himself last night, and he brought to my attention that it may not change for a while. I told him Id be there for him no matter what. He doesnt like who hes been becoming lately, and for some of it....niether do I. I love him dearly though, with all my heart. So some things were said last night and it depressed me. He says today that we will be ok, I believe him, because I trust God.
So I was praying today and trying to here from God, you know, what should I do. Nothing. I figure it will come when my heart is more open to his words. I feel open, but its not always about me. In fact its never about me.
Have you ever wished to accidently die? I have. I wish that I hadn't thought of that, but I do. To me it seems better than suicide. I guess its not really. Just sometimes, I think it would make all pains go away, but then there is Peter and Jessa and Alisha and Aaron, etc, who love me too much for me to let them live without me.
I thought about my ex's today, 2 in particular. One of which I thought about the disgusting things he use to do to me. At the time, I guess I just stopped caring about me and only cared about him. It makes me sick, because I let those things happen, and I let him do those things to my body and my heart, and manipulate my mind. If I wrote it all out, whoever read it would hunt him down to kill. I dont want that though, its over and done with. Death would be too easy for him. Then the other was really just one simple moment, when I realized, after all that time, I was not a priority at all.
I guess that got me thinking about Peter. I know Peter is who God has shown him to me to be. If that makes sense. I couldnt help but compare my ex's to him, and that was the worst idea ever. It got me thinking oh hey, and what if. Bullshit.
Why is it that depression pays more attention to detail than happiness. I write more about my struggles than I do my happiness. I try to write about my happiness, I really do, but it just, I dont know I guess it is like water color paints. It melds together if you have a bunch of colors. Depression is one maybe three colors, gray, blue, and nothing. easy to keep those on the page. I hate depression, it eats me up, and I let it happen. Its my inspiration, its my demon. I hate it so much, but I deal with it. Happiness is hard to keep, depression I can hold on to all day and it likes to follow.
When Im depressed I feel like taking a knife to my heart and splitting it open so I can bleed out the pain. Like when you cry, its like pushing out the pain from your tears. I cant tell you how wierd this is making me feel talking about all this.
Sometimes I imagine myself sitting down in the pooring rain, no tears though, just sitting there, and then lying down. Thats it, I guess I just find the rain refreshing....
Im done talking now...
Maybe happiness is fleeting, but it's not as hard to find as you make it seem. Just do your best to ignore your pain until it's an appropriate time to deal with it, and focus on enjoying the company you have, whether that's at school or online. Depression changes more than your mood, it literally changes the physiology of your brain. It changes who you are. So of course you'll say things now that you'll find ridiculous and even funny later. Just know that everything will be better in a day. That's all it takes.
ReplyDelete