how many times....

If I had a dollar...25 cents for every time I told my head to shut up, Id be rich. Being a little mentally off and as creative as I am, makes room for tons of thoughts. Even though Im overwhelmed right now, I dont mind. It gives me something to do, a way to really just go in my head and be there for a while. Leave things behind and sift through my thoughts, if I so please. To think about love, faith, work, schooling, family, friends. All the things that really make up my life.

Thinking can also get me in trouble though, especially thinking too hard. Like about my relationship, how I doubt my own heart sometimes. THAT is painful thinking, that I try not to show on the outside. What I mean by doubting myself is whether my love is true or not. Now I believe it is. I think its Satan honestly, regardless of what others think. Putting those stupid voices in my head again. No Im not schizophrenic. I just have a problem with not thinking about things. Thats where my OCD comes in.

Before I go on I warn you this is gonna seem like a confession session, but I NEEEED to get these thoughts out..Plus typing is so much faster, and I want people to get to know me, if they already dont. Im not too scared. haha. Btw Im not gonna go through all the topics just a few.

My faith, faith? Its really tipsy right now. Oh I love my God and I know he died for me. That much is true. I just have the hardest time keeping to his rules. I do a lot of things I shouldnt, and preach what I cant follow. Sad huh? I know I need him. Truly I do. So I guess Im steppin in the right direction. I want to re-dedicate my life to him, but Im not truly ready yet. My whole heart isnt in it.

On a completely different note, I want to improve my writing. I have a hard time with that though, like reading books, I can hardly ever finish them. Stupid ADHD. (you know my initials are ADH, hahaha, see there I go again lol) I want to be a journalist, and I know as a poet, style is loose, and can bee almost anything. My prose lacks though, I hope soon I can gain the motivation to improve.

blah blah blah, ok Im too mentally hyper to continue writing deep thoughts. So I hope you enjoyed devouring a little chunk of my soul. buh bye!

Losing it

Do all artist reach a point where they feel they lose there touch. I know one of my friends have. Im talking extreme artist block. Like nothing that works, that flows, is coming to you. Is it the stress thats been in me lately. Lots of things have been bringing me down. I dont wanna give up, Im not ready too. I love to write, its my freakin passion for God sakes. I mean God gave me this gift, so why has it suddenly gone dry. I just wrote a poem though. Its my first one in 3 weeks.

drugs? by me

Im gonna go for it

I dont care how this turns out

I dont care what people think

and now Its coming out

Ive been stressin too much lately

and Ive been trying to write for my baby

but what I had forgotten

is that I write for me

I write because I feel

I write to help me heal

I try to write when Im feeling ok

or when I have a good day

I still feel like Im losing it though

Like where did all the words in my head go?

If only I could find that path again

back to my divine inspiration

if he'd only tell me where to head

I wouldnt be at this dead end

for now I spit out these works of art

so they say

I think is pityful word play

I dont always mean for it to sound depressing, but poetry is my outlet. I feel more compelled to write when I cant sort things out. I will try to write more happy ones, but its hard. Especially when life gets stressful. 

Unbreakable

So lately Ive noticed a lot of things about myself. Last night really showed me a lot. I had an epic meltdown. Like nothing thats happend before. I noticed that Im a lot stronger than I first thought. Ive hit lower and lower points, and just when I think it cant get worse, it does. God didnt make me rock solid by far, but he gave me the ability to pick myself up. Depression isnt an easy condition to fight niether is anxiety. I figure I should stop fighting and let God handle it, but its hard to stop fighting. Im a very independant person, and I like to do things myself.

Mom is making me an appointment to go to a psyche doctor. Im starting to regret telling her. I dun wanna talk to a stranger. Im not excited about this. I wasnt the first time I freaked out and Im not now. I dont want to have to explain my life again. I hate doing that part. *sigh*

Jesus I love you. -love your princess

Brushing my teeth

I didnt know what to title this, and when I was brushing my teeth I was thinking about my blog. I thought "the title should be metaphoric with brushing my teeth" but then I realized, nobody gives a flying rats ass about the title. haha!

So as of late life has been pretty good. Matt and me are getting along well, I think we spend a lil too much time together, cause I think we get at each others throats sometimes. More just slightly annoyed with each other. I love him to death though. We've only actually fought a couple of times, Im sure there is more to come, but thats ok.

Disordered

So me and my man are gonna try to stop having sex, we know its wrong so we are gonna do our best. One day at a time right. Also my new friend is cutting herself cuz she isnt allowed to speak to Matt anymore. Her mom says shes to young to talk to him, hes 19 shes 15. They are just friends though. She has been cutting herself because of it. Im crying my eyes out, I hate the thought of anyone being in so much pain. Im in that much pain sometimes too, but I find ways to overcome it. Ive been on both sides of the knife, and I dont want to be on either now.

Here is a self harm/suicide vid that I made a while back. Nobody looks at it on youtube, but I try to share it with the people I love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pbZO1ZLTpQ I hope it helps you or you send it to someone that it will help.

This blog post wasnt intended to be a suicide prevention post, but guess now it is. Love you all!

Paranoia and other mental problems

There is something wrong with me. Its not that I think the world revolves around me but, uhg. I always think that people are talking about my stupid ass. I just cant ever shake that feeling. Its not that I dont have any proof that this happens, cuz Ive walked in on being talked about before.

Then there is my depression that is currently burning a hole in my freaking mind. Its not just in my head ok?! I hate it when people say that! Its a mental condition, that obviously I cant get rid of! Im also easily irritated if you couldnt tell. Why am I telling you all this? It doesnt matter because I am who I am whether people know or not. Its not easy being me, but I sure as hell wouldnt wanna be you. Haha.

You know what I hate more than anything? People thinking they know everything and correcting me. Making me feel like more of an idiot than I feel already. Unless its gonna hurt me or someone else, let me be wrong once in a while ok? I can only take so much bullshit.

Addiction

I found a poem yesterday that describes my feelings towards my addictions. Im not gonna name them, but I can tell you they arent good for me. My boyfriend is trying to help me with one of them, and Im trying, it just sucks.

That Familiar Feeling (addiction)

My thoughts escape

The cage I tried to put them in

My hands shake

Trying to keep it at bay

I look around

And find myself some solitude

Crying on the inside

Unable to fight back this addiction alone

I see it there

And it entices me

I fall into its grasp

Only for a moment

A measly moment

Of sinful pleasure

With my eyes to the floor

And my body hunched over

I return from my aloneness

Back out

Like nothing has happened

It has

And it hurts

Im ashamed

And stuck

Like a fly

On sticky paper

The spider of sin eats me slowly

How can I like that?
Because I can always return
to that familiar feeling.

Simplicity and Memories

Ive been reminiscing today, listenin to country and lookin at old pictures. Like when my cousin by marriage came to visit when he was 13 and I was 15. We had so much fun I miss my cousin Devin a lot. We both have changed a lot, but we'll always have that memory. I had a crush on him back then and so did he, but it didnt last long.

Ive also been thinkin about good memories of other people, that may not be in my life anymore, but have left a smile on my face. I wouldnt give up any of them for the world. I think people need to spend a little time like this now and again, remember what makes them who they are. Remember what makes them happy and how they came to where they are now.

Sweet Dreams

Its late but I wanna post a blog, my hands feel like typing. I know Im thinking too far in the future lately, but its not bad to have goals. With Matt, I honestly dont care if we marry or not. Im just glad to have the time I have with him.

Ive been doing a lot lately, that isnt very "Christian" of me. I know its wrong and for what reasons, but how can something that seems so right, be so wrong? I wanna be better, Matt seems to be a better Christian than me lately anyway. He kinda keeps me in check, but I push him away a little in that aspect. I feel bad, yet I dont, thats the scary part. I think Im in a "Its my fucking life" stage. I know the things I need to stop, I just dont want to. I miss church though, I dont have anyone to go with, or take me.

Another random tangent, I really want my poetry published. I dont know when though. I think it'll be when Im 25, cause thats the number that always pops in my head. Its also a good span of time, for a collection of poems. Shows the changes within life and time, and gives me time to work on a second book ;) haha. I know Im talented and that I can get someone to notice me, its just gonna take time. If theres one thing Im confident with, its my skills in poetry. (Granted my grammar is sloppy) but that can be fixed with some effort, I just dont put effort in grammar, in blog posts. Its always good to have a dream in life, and Im gonna follow through on this, some way, some how.