Today..eh

Today was actually a good day/evening, until the very end when my OCD decided to attack me. Im not proud of it, but I cant control my obsessive thoughts. I cant to a point but sometimes its hard. I made Matt upset. Im in a better mood, but Im still ashamed of that part of me. Uhg. So many things in my head that I cant get out. Its overwhelming sometimes. Its what got me into a counselor in the first place -.- *sigh*

Im kind of glad only a couple people read my blog, then I dont have to worry so much. Its been 4 days since Ive smoked weed, Im not enjoying it much, though I like to count the days. I stopped for Matt, I really do feel like I need it sometimes. It sucks cuz it really helps with my depression and anxiety, but its not legal. Go figure the one thing that works is something I have to sneak around about for the most part. Im a pot head, I'll admit it, but it helps so honestly if it werent for Matt, I wouldnt care. I love him and thats why Im stopping, not because I really want to, but because he gets sad when I do. I almost did tonight, really, Im still considering it. I cant though. He stopped drinking, I stopped pot. Uhg.
So many things could be fixed if weed were legal. Honestly. Nobody agrees with a statement like that til they try it. Not even me. I had reason to hate weed, but now I dont. If there were a way to extract THC and put it in a pill, then there would be less reason. That way there would be no inhalation of smoke. You can put it in food sure, but you gotta have a lot, and thats expensive. So would be the pills, maybe at first, but so many people would by them, they would be like $20 for a two week supply. Itd be awesome! Sadly that is only but a distant dream for now.

Instead Im suppose to listen to a psychiatrist that gives me pills on the first appointment. A woman who nit picks at my heart and barely knows me, except for what I wrote down on a stupid paper. Im not taking those social anxiety pills, I dont want them, nor need them. I am gonna tell her straight up at my next appointment how I feel, thats what shes there for right? *heavy angry sarcasm* She just tics me off, uhg! I hate confrontation, but I feel that its really necessary in this case, if Im gonna get better, she ought to get to know me better.....or eat my words and watch my backside walk out her office.

darn it

I got on to write an in depth post and now I cant remember much, if at all, what I was going to say. Anyway, you know, as much as Im able to deal with, Im tired of dealing with depression. I try to give it to God but he doesnt take it. Its like a stupid bag of junk that follows me around. Im really tired of tears, and pills, and I hate my new psychiatrist. She gave me pills on the first appointment. Stuff to slow my heart rate and to help my ADD....how does that help my depression?

Wrote a poem Called: To Be You, and posted it just now on FB.

Whats it like to be you?

You who doesnt lose control

you who can have a tight hold

onto material and emotional things?

see the silver lining

and not sink in the mud the rain brings

you who knows how it feels to sit still

who can function without a handfull of pills

spend time with their thoughts

and let them float away

smile 

and still be smiling at the end of the day

what is it like to be you?

I wish for one day I could be

even though I like who I am

it just bugs me to know

that I cant and you can.

I want to fall asleep

without nightmares instead of dreams

I want to party

and forget the paranoia

meet someone new 

and get to know ya.

Be me without some things

that hold me back from living.

Treasure what you have

and I will treasure mine

just remember that for next time

when you think you got it bad

cause there are worse things that you could have.

I will say though

everyone has a breaking point

so no one can compare

I just want to know

What is it like to be you?

I think it explains a lot of things, about me. Without having to ramble on. Its about my depression, anxiety, and my neurological disorder (PKD). 

Workin on it.....

Sort of, I sorta wanna get some of my life back together, but I sorta dont. You know? Like I know certain things I could handle fixing, and other things I dont wanna give up. Like I can deal with patching things up with Matts sister, but I cant deal with one of my addictions. Its just grr. I seem always in the middle with decisions. Maybe I'll get better as I get older, maybe I'll learn better. I dont know.

-------------------later----------
You know, how the crap will my heart know if Im suppose to be with someone. Cause I thought I knew and I dont. What about now, is this just another heartbreak waiting to happen? He loves me! Why do I still doubt. Thats what I said about a couple other people though. I just dont know, ag! I want to fall in love with someone for good, not as a prize but just someone to love...right now I love Matt, I really dont wanna love anyone else. Why does love have to feel so fucking hard?! Why not make love easy if its what God wants us to do? Fuck fear, fuck doubts, and fuck anyone who tries to stand in my way.

Anime

So haha Im on an anime kick, I use to hate it, but my bf and a couple other friends got me reinterested. Blah! Im working on drawing some, and I like to roleplay as a neko, but thats about it.

Boyfriend is going to his interview tomorrow, cuz it got rescheduled. I hope he gets the job, he really need it, bad.

I think too much  haha. Thats why Ive been drawing this evening and watching my Skillet DVD. Oh and txting my best friend Jessa. Now Im writing, yay, one of my passions! I dont have a lot to say, but thats ok. I spose. Haha. Oh! Alisha, she met a girl named Jillian, who is an aspiring make up artist. So Alisha and Jillian are gonna make me their guinea pig next month, and use me to expand their portfolios. Honestly, Im excited, I love to do stuff like that....and to think, IM pretty enough to put in their portfolios. ^_^ it makes me feel good. I guess its also cuz Im free and willing. Haha. Makes me sound like a whore. So look out in a while for pics on FB, I hope I can get them all when they are done.

Bisexuality

I hate to admit or accept it, but I still am, and its not like everyone hasnt noticed. It almost sucks, cuz I dun wanna feel this way, but girls are so frikin sexy. Ive only had real feelings for one girl though. I wish it was morally ok, honestly. Cause I dont want the people who are homo and happy to be punished for it. Uhg, I dont understand.

I have to resist I spose. Im not full blown wooo gay pride! I just wish everyone could be happy. I wish I could be that way, but I know otherwise, thats the problem. I love my man, I really do, just sometimes I get the urge to flirt with a girl or kiss em. *sigh* Im not totally bummed, like I said, I just wish it rly was ok.

Acceptance

why do I have a hard time with it, I usually come to the conclusion that I see something in someone else, that I have in common, and have felt bad about before. So I make them feel bad. Its so wrong, so wrong, but God I dont know. Love is hard work, and I realize Im not gonna find a perfect man. I got a perfectly good man right by my side, that I think I make feel like shit sometimes. Im so frikin lucky and I just cant/wont bring myself to fall madly in love with him. I love him, just not the way I want to yet. FML. Its not his fault its mine, its not like I dun wanna be with him. In fact I just want to fall in love more.

I'll take an arrow through the heart.

we both listen to the same songs
we both sing the words
our eyes give out vibes
We both try to never lie
but still we feel that we both have troubles
troubles that the other cant understand
but underneath the skin
we both bleed
I know we are the same
just its hard to see
when we both call ourselves freaks
I see we both want attention
the stuff that others missed
the spots they forgot to kiss
we fill in
Is this love?
Guess loves what you make it.
Well whatever it is
I'll take it
cause I want it so bad
my doubts make me mad
but just when I decide to let go
things get crazy
and go bad.
I understand its different
and that I can fall on you
that with you I can breath.
When I lose me
sing to my heart
I wont be far.
love is tough
but love is what I want for us.