Job hunting and relationship status

dude I am so hyper, triple shot coffee man! Other than that.....Ive been hunting for pet sitting jobs and I actually got a response today. Im just a back up, and a maybe on the weekends person, but its a start. If the person for the posted job fails to show though, I sit for a week while they go on vacation and get $350, so Im praying. For some stupid reason though the pic I posted on the site wasnt "professional enough" Im like good God, whos judging this.

Me and Matt are doing well, I told him I loved him yesterday, Im really happy with him. We are slowly getting toour goal of moving out together. He has about an 80% chance of getting a job with DSHS soon, and like $10 something an hour. Im so praying for it, Im excited for him. He'll get paid to share his life story with foster kids. Hes a good guy, I hope I can be with him a long time.

Is hope enough?

When it comes to relationships, I have never been dumped, Ive always been the one to end it. Why? Some with reasons some without. Im worried that Im gonna end up throwing my current relationship away. The stupid thing is, there is nothing wrong with him, hes kind and funny, romantic, kinda dorky. I wanna make this work, I wanna change my habits and keep him. I cant keep doing this. Ive never wanted something to work this bad, even when things dont seem right. I pray and pray in hopes that I can keep this boy.

blah blah blah STFU

Yes Im in a particular bad mood now. Why, because I got somebody talking shit behind my back and it just supports my paranoia. I hate feeling like people are talking crap about me when I leave a room or somethings, and this just proves it further. Im not a normal person, and I dont think anyone is anyway. Ive got my faults, and my weird quirks, but why does it have to be said behind my back, much less at all. I may be an easily pissed off person sometimes, but seriously people. Id rather be around animals and not have them talk back and clean up their shit, in place of the people that talk shit.

Imagination and my lost marbles

So I was thinking earlier today, while I was exploring through my woods, that I dont get to be a kid anymore. I turned 15 and I was already being told I had to grow up, maybe even before that. It just doesnt seem fair. I understand not acting like a 5yr old in public, but even around the house, I feel....restrained. I miss the games I use to play as a kid and all the other stuff. I think thats why we gain a LACK of imagination. I personally think I have plenty, but can only express it in my poetry.
My boyfriend lets me act like a kid sometimes, I think he likes it, and he doesnt judge me. He just loves me and laughs. I had a good childhood, but who says I wanna let it go? I admit I am growing up, and Im trying to stand on my feet, but I want some innocence back. If that can be achieved, doubtful though. Ive lost that on a number of levels, and Im regretful in some ways. I dont like getting older, I just dont. I can accept my responsibilities as an adult, I just want some child-like fun back. Thats hard to find surprisingly, I think.

Pain was easier to handle as a kid, and I know you think thats what this is all about, but its not, its just one thing. Ive been through a lot of pain lately, and last night I broke down pretty heavily. I dont know all of WHY Im in pain, I just am. I cant stop the tears when they fall, and nothing but Gods love can catch them all. at least I have some people by my side to be there when its too much. I just wish it was easier to get back up, like it was when I was a kid. Stand up, brush off, and keep going.

So life, ya.

So Im kinda excited, even though it may not work out. I signed up on Care4hire.com, to be a pet sitter. I made it very flexible. It should be verified by tomorrow, then I just have to wait to be contacted by a family. I love animals, I hope I get a job. Mom also said that we are gonna go renew my permit tomorrow so I can start practicing my driving again. Me and my boyfriend are really trying to get our lives in gear. We are considering moving out together. Cause with my disability, I really need someone around the house to help me out. Who better than someone who completely accepts me. I would with Jessa but she'll be moving in with her bf, and I dont have many other people willing to do the things for me that I need done.

Matt didnt go back to job core, his instructor said he could get a job anytime he wants. The downfall though....he doesnt get the $1200 for finishing. With his skills though, once he gets a job, he'll make that up in no time. I dont think hes stupid for not going back, I think he just has his reasons, and they are good reasons. Hes a good guy, and I stick by his decisions, unless it will really hurt him. Though I do kind of wish he had finished. Its ok though.
Ive been spending a lot of time with him, and I feel we have some things to talk about. Not bad per se, just things. Every relationship requires talking right? I prefer to do serious discussions in person though. Its best that way. Im headed over today, we'll talk then.

Btw, anyone reading this should read this specifically. On October 18, 2011, there is a Pro life day of silent solidarity. Its advocating for babies who will never have a voice because of abortion. I strongly disagree on abortion. Im gonna be buying some red duct tape, and going to the mall to hand out flyers. I may sound like a crazy in your face person, but Im not. I just really care. For more information visit silentday.org

silentday.org

Chattering teeth and other nonesense

So my stress meter has gone way down since last night, I've been worrying that I may be pregnant, well it was negative, praise Jesus. I could not take care of a child, I'm too immature for that right now, even though Im growing up. Plus I couldn't support it, but I'm not pregnant so all is good.

Recently went to a gorgeous wedding with my handsome boyfriend. It was our friends. It was so much fun. You know, I dunno if I'm gonna be with Matt forever, but I don't care. We are making awesome memories. I enjoy his presence very much, he has such a sweet heart. I'm not as worried about "forever" as I use to be. Plus we aren't guaranteed tomorrow anyway, right?

Man, I cant wait to move outta my house, I know people say I'm gonna miss it, but Id rather miss it than suffer all the time like this. Its not a terrible home life, but there are things that very much upset me. I wanna live on my own now, and stop having to deal with this crap. My dad is a jerk, and has been for a long time, and has a funny way of parenting.  Me and my friend wanna move out together, I think its an ok idea. I need a job so bad though, and a damn license, sheesh, my lazy rents wont help me with any of it.

Late night silence

The TV is on, and I can hear myself typing, but that is it. The occasional buzzing of my phone for txts. My head swims in excitement, but not always the good kind. Its just very active. Im scared to say some things that are on my mind. What if its used against me? Doubtful, but what if someone actually reads it. Look, you see that, still with the What Ifs. Its never-ending I tell you.

Please Please whatever you do, I pray you dont use this against me, I am so fragile. Speaking of which, Ive actually been afraid to pray lately. Im a very firm believer in Jesus Christ and his death and resurection. So praying is important, but funny enough, I find it hard. I know a lot of Christians have felt the same too. None of us really want to admit it though. Its not Christian like not to pray, so it seems. I dont care, I have problems just like everyone else.

I should be asleep, I want to sleep, and yet I dont. I want to type and spill my heart of ink out, haha. Im a very metaphorical person too, my grammar sucks sometimes, but I try....aaand sometimes I dont. Again, I dont care at this moment in time. I wrote a poem today, actually a couple, but one I want to share.

Its called....

Miss Misstress

had love 

and she lost it

saw a chance 

and she bought it

had a fling

and she liked it

had a feeling 

and she fights it

found something new and she trashed it

returned and unwrapped it

she thinks about what might happen

gets stuck in the past

thinks this might not last

bounces back and forth like ping pong

been doing this for too long

opens her heart to let it bleed

and doesnt have enough to heal.

I hope it means something to someone, sorry if the font changed. I know it means a lot to me, but thats not always enough. I know it may sound like I want attention, but I just want to be heard, to make a difference somehow. Isnt that what we all want? We all think we can change the world, and we can, we just have to do it Gods way, or we'll just stay stuck like this.

Anyway, tired, so peace out, and I look forward to comments or questions, or anything. 

What a day

Today I did a lot of things, shopping with Jessa, getting shoes, spending time with my boyfriend, but my feelings today have been so weird. For a little while, I was so content, and felt a happy that was beautiful. When I was with my boyfriend, he makes me feel special and beautiful.

Then there was that foreboding feeling, and the anxiety hit, with memories and residual pain. The anxiety of the past never leaves you if it cuts deep enough. Like I told my boyfriend, most of the time its ok, but sometimes it just comes up. My boyfriend still doesn't know the story, he will soon though I think. I was sad when he left today, just as the anxiety hit, I guess him leaving was part of it. Overall though, I had a good day.

Im scared to put myself out here, cause, despite my uber trusting nature, not all people are trustworthy.....that is why I have the pain I do in my life.

Killing me inside

Im people needy, and I need people to see me. I swear Im not selfish, I guess it can seem that way. How do I get the attention that I need? I want to be noticed for my talents. Ive been away from my blog for a long while, I have a couple. I dont know what these are gonna do for me. I post so much on facebook, but no one notices there either.

Ive gone through a lot lately, so much pain, some happiness, plenty of confusion, denial, all sorts of things. I dont know much of me anymore, and yet I know exactly who I am, shes just lost. This sounds like a diary, but I dont care.

I have many people on my mind, many things, many cares and worries. MANY what ifs. One in particular I wont mention. This is the end of my blog post for now, maybe if I care to, I will post another. If anyone cares. Im always better on paper then I am in conversation.