Druggie

Lately the doc has been switchin my medications up a lot. So its kind of been messin with my system a bit, along with my own thoughts and such. Ive cried more recently and Ive just lost myself in depression. Im trying really hard tonight not to be depressed. For my sake and my boyfriends sake. He really does worry a lot about me. Ive been smoking pot in recent months, but I dont get a lot, only from friends cuz I have no money. I have no more to say forgive me for not writing more. I have forgotten what I really wanted to say.

New followers

I noticed I have a couple new followers on my blog, Im glad you like it enough to follow my ramblings. Im having a hard time messaging you guys thats why Im doing this post. I dont know if you follow me regularly but I hope you do. I have a lot to say and like having people to listen to me. I have a facebook, just comment and I'll link you if you wanna get to know me better or something crazy like that. Haha.

Lately things have been alright, I havent written much poetry lately. However I did write one for my bf a couple nights ago, that I still need to give him. I also have gotten caught up with a friend from high school. He just got outta basic training, and contacted me. Nice to hear from him ^.^. I think my bf has got the job he wanted, hes getting a call within the week to know for sure. I hope he does, that will be so good for him. <3

and we shall end this with a your mom joke

So Im high, first off. You know, I think Im more of who I really am when Im drunk or high. Then again maybe not. I guess its just that my subconcious is more intensified maybe? Idk I really dun wanna type that much tonight, but I figure a random update is in order. I had a dream last night about God. It was nice. In reality though, some things really irritate me about him. I love my God, but Im frustrated. Shout out to all my awesome friends I fucking love you! My wonderful boyfriend too. Much love.

aaaaand Your mom is so fat. The end. hahaha.

Today..eh

Today was actually a good day/evening, until the very end when my OCD decided to attack me. Im not proud of it, but I cant control my obsessive thoughts. I cant to a point but sometimes its hard. I made Matt upset. Im in a better mood, but Im still ashamed of that part of me. Uhg. So many things in my head that I cant get out. Its overwhelming sometimes. Its what got me into a counselor in the first place -.- *sigh*

Im kind of glad only a couple people read my blog, then I dont have to worry so much. Its been 4 days since Ive smoked weed, Im not enjoying it much, though I like to count the days. I stopped for Matt, I really do feel like I need it sometimes. It sucks cuz it really helps with my depression and anxiety, but its not legal. Go figure the one thing that works is something I have to sneak around about for the most part. Im a pot head, I'll admit it, but it helps so honestly if it werent for Matt, I wouldnt care. I love him and thats why Im stopping, not because I really want to, but because he gets sad when I do. I almost did tonight, really, Im still considering it. I cant though. He stopped drinking, I stopped pot. Uhg.
So many things could be fixed if weed were legal. Honestly. Nobody agrees with a statement like that til they try it. Not even me. I had reason to hate weed, but now I dont. If there were a way to extract THC and put it in a pill, then there would be less reason. That way there would be no inhalation of smoke. You can put it in food sure, but you gotta have a lot, and thats expensive. So would be the pills, maybe at first, but so many people would by them, they would be like $20 for a two week supply. Itd be awesome! Sadly that is only but a distant dream for now.

Instead Im suppose to listen to a psychiatrist that gives me pills on the first appointment. A woman who nit picks at my heart and barely knows me, except for what I wrote down on a stupid paper. Im not taking those social anxiety pills, I dont want them, nor need them. I am gonna tell her straight up at my next appointment how I feel, thats what shes there for right? *heavy angry sarcasm* She just tics me off, uhg! I hate confrontation, but I feel that its really necessary in this case, if Im gonna get better, she ought to get to know me better.....or eat my words and watch my backside walk out her office.

darn it

I got on to write an in depth post and now I cant remember much, if at all, what I was going to say. Anyway, you know, as much as Im able to deal with, Im tired of dealing with depression. I try to give it to God but he doesnt take it. Its like a stupid bag of junk that follows me around. Im really tired of tears, and pills, and I hate my new psychiatrist. She gave me pills on the first appointment. Stuff to slow my heart rate and to help my ADD....how does that help my depression?

Wrote a poem Called: To Be You, and posted it just now on FB.

Whats it like to be you?

You who doesnt lose control

you who can have a tight hold

onto material and emotional things?

see the silver lining

and not sink in the mud the rain brings

you who knows how it feels to sit still

who can function without a handfull of pills

spend time with their thoughts

and let them float away

smile 

and still be smiling at the end of the day

what is it like to be you?

I wish for one day I could be

even though I like who I am

it just bugs me to know

that I cant and you can.

I want to fall asleep

without nightmares instead of dreams

I want to party

and forget the paranoia

meet someone new 

and get to know ya.

Be me without some things

that hold me back from living.

Treasure what you have

and I will treasure mine

just remember that for next time

when you think you got it bad

cause there are worse things that you could have.

I will say though

everyone has a breaking point

so no one can compare

I just want to know

What is it like to be you?

I think it explains a lot of things, about me. Without having to ramble on. Its about my depression, anxiety, and my neurological disorder (PKD). 

Workin on it.....

Sort of, I sorta wanna get some of my life back together, but I sorta dont. You know? Like I know certain things I could handle fixing, and other things I dont wanna give up. Like I can deal with patching things up with Matts sister, but I cant deal with one of my addictions. Its just grr. I seem always in the middle with decisions. Maybe I'll get better as I get older, maybe I'll learn better. I dont know.

-------------------later----------
You know, how the crap will my heart know if Im suppose to be with someone. Cause I thought I knew and I dont. What about now, is this just another heartbreak waiting to happen? He loves me! Why do I still doubt. Thats what I said about a couple other people though. I just dont know, ag! I want to fall in love with someone for good, not as a prize but just someone to love...right now I love Matt, I really dont wanna love anyone else. Why does love have to feel so fucking hard?! Why not make love easy if its what God wants us to do? Fuck fear, fuck doubts, and fuck anyone who tries to stand in my way.

Anime

So haha Im on an anime kick, I use to hate it, but my bf and a couple other friends got me reinterested. Blah! Im working on drawing some, and I like to roleplay as a neko, but thats about it.

Boyfriend is going to his interview tomorrow, cuz it got rescheduled. I hope he gets the job, he really need it, bad.

I think too much  haha. Thats why Ive been drawing this evening and watching my Skillet DVD. Oh and txting my best friend Jessa. Now Im writing, yay, one of my passions! I dont have a lot to say, but thats ok. I spose. Haha. Oh! Alisha, she met a girl named Jillian, who is an aspiring make up artist. So Alisha and Jillian are gonna make me their guinea pig next month, and use me to expand their portfolios. Honestly, Im excited, I love to do stuff like that....and to think, IM pretty enough to put in their portfolios. ^_^ it makes me feel good. I guess its also cuz Im free and willing. Haha. Makes me sound like a whore. So look out in a while for pics on FB, I hope I can get them all when they are done.

Bisexuality

I hate to admit or accept it, but I still am, and its not like everyone hasnt noticed. It almost sucks, cuz I dun wanna feel this way, but girls are so frikin sexy. Ive only had real feelings for one girl though. I wish it was morally ok, honestly. Cause I dont want the people who are homo and happy to be punished for it. Uhg, I dont understand.

I have to resist I spose. Im not full blown wooo gay pride! I just wish everyone could be happy. I wish I could be that way, but I know otherwise, thats the problem. I love my man, I really do, just sometimes I get the urge to flirt with a girl or kiss em. *sigh* Im not totally bummed, like I said, I just wish it rly was ok.

Acceptance

why do I have a hard time with it, I usually come to the conclusion that I see something in someone else, that I have in common, and have felt bad about before. So I make them feel bad. Its so wrong, so wrong, but God I dont know. Love is hard work, and I realize Im not gonna find a perfect man. I got a perfectly good man right by my side, that I think I make feel like shit sometimes. Im so frikin lucky and I just cant/wont bring myself to fall madly in love with him. I love him, just not the way I want to yet. FML. Its not his fault its mine, its not like I dun wanna be with him. In fact I just want to fall in love more.

I'll take an arrow through the heart.

we both listen to the same songs
we both sing the words
our eyes give out vibes
We both try to never lie
but still we feel that we both have troubles
troubles that the other cant understand
but underneath the skin
we both bleed
I know we are the same
just its hard to see
when we both call ourselves freaks
I see we both want attention
the stuff that others missed
the spots they forgot to kiss
we fill in
Is this love?
Guess loves what you make it.
Well whatever it is
I'll take it
cause I want it so bad
my doubts make me mad
but just when I decide to let go
things get crazy
and go bad.
I understand its different
and that I can fall on you
that with you I can breath.
When I lose me
sing to my heart
I wont be far.
love is tough
but love is what I want for us.

how many times....

If I had a dollar...25 cents for every time I told my head to shut up, Id be rich. Being a little mentally off and as creative as I am, makes room for tons of thoughts. Even though Im overwhelmed right now, I dont mind. It gives me something to do, a way to really just go in my head and be there for a while. Leave things behind and sift through my thoughts, if I so please. To think about love, faith, work, schooling, family, friends. All the things that really make up my life.

Thinking can also get me in trouble though, especially thinking too hard. Like about my relationship, how I doubt my own heart sometimes. THAT is painful thinking, that I try not to show on the outside. What I mean by doubting myself is whether my love is true or not. Now I believe it is. I think its Satan honestly, regardless of what others think. Putting those stupid voices in my head again. No Im not schizophrenic. I just have a problem with not thinking about things. Thats where my OCD comes in.

Before I go on I warn you this is gonna seem like a confession session, but I NEEEED to get these thoughts out..Plus typing is so much faster, and I want people to get to know me, if they already dont. Im not too scared. haha. Btw Im not gonna go through all the topics just a few.

My faith, faith? Its really tipsy right now. Oh I love my God and I know he died for me. That much is true. I just have the hardest time keeping to his rules. I do a lot of things I shouldnt, and preach what I cant follow. Sad huh? I know I need him. Truly I do. So I guess Im steppin in the right direction. I want to re-dedicate my life to him, but Im not truly ready yet. My whole heart isnt in it.

On a completely different note, I want to improve my writing. I have a hard time with that though, like reading books, I can hardly ever finish them. Stupid ADHD. (you know my initials are ADH, hahaha, see there I go again lol) I want to be a journalist, and I know as a poet, style is loose, and can bee almost anything. My prose lacks though, I hope soon I can gain the motivation to improve.

blah blah blah, ok Im too mentally hyper to continue writing deep thoughts. So I hope you enjoyed devouring a little chunk of my soul. buh bye!

Losing it

Do all artist reach a point where they feel they lose there touch. I know one of my friends have. Im talking extreme artist block. Like nothing that works, that flows, is coming to you. Is it the stress thats been in me lately. Lots of things have been bringing me down. I dont wanna give up, Im not ready too. I love to write, its my freakin passion for God sakes. I mean God gave me this gift, so why has it suddenly gone dry. I just wrote a poem though. Its my first one in 3 weeks.

drugs? by me

Im gonna go for it

I dont care how this turns out

I dont care what people think

and now Its coming out

Ive been stressin too much lately

and Ive been trying to write for my baby

but what I had forgotten

is that I write for me

I write because I feel

I write to help me heal

I try to write when Im feeling ok

or when I have a good day

I still feel like Im losing it though

Like where did all the words in my head go?

If only I could find that path again

back to my divine inspiration

if he'd only tell me where to head

I wouldnt be at this dead end

for now I spit out these works of art

so they say

I think is pityful word play

I dont always mean for it to sound depressing, but poetry is my outlet. I feel more compelled to write when I cant sort things out. I will try to write more happy ones, but its hard. Especially when life gets stressful. 

Unbreakable

So lately Ive noticed a lot of things about myself. Last night really showed me a lot. I had an epic meltdown. Like nothing thats happend before. I noticed that Im a lot stronger than I first thought. Ive hit lower and lower points, and just when I think it cant get worse, it does. God didnt make me rock solid by far, but he gave me the ability to pick myself up. Depression isnt an easy condition to fight niether is anxiety. I figure I should stop fighting and let God handle it, but its hard to stop fighting. Im a very independant person, and I like to do things myself.

Mom is making me an appointment to go to a psyche doctor. Im starting to regret telling her. I dun wanna talk to a stranger. Im not excited about this. I wasnt the first time I freaked out and Im not now. I dont want to have to explain my life again. I hate doing that part. *sigh*

Jesus I love you. -love your princess

Brushing my teeth

I didnt know what to title this, and when I was brushing my teeth I was thinking about my blog. I thought "the title should be metaphoric with brushing my teeth" but then I realized, nobody gives a flying rats ass about the title. haha!

So as of late life has been pretty good. Matt and me are getting along well, I think we spend a lil too much time together, cause I think we get at each others throats sometimes. More just slightly annoyed with each other. I love him to death though. We've only actually fought a couple of times, Im sure there is more to come, but thats ok.

Disordered

So me and my man are gonna try to stop having sex, we know its wrong so we are gonna do our best. One day at a time right. Also my new friend is cutting herself cuz she isnt allowed to speak to Matt anymore. Her mom says shes to young to talk to him, hes 19 shes 15. They are just friends though. She has been cutting herself because of it. Im crying my eyes out, I hate the thought of anyone being in so much pain. Im in that much pain sometimes too, but I find ways to overcome it. Ive been on both sides of the knife, and I dont want to be on either now.

Here is a self harm/suicide vid that I made a while back. Nobody looks at it on youtube, but I try to share it with the people I love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pbZO1ZLTpQ I hope it helps you or you send it to someone that it will help.

This blog post wasnt intended to be a suicide prevention post, but guess now it is. Love you all!

Paranoia and other mental problems

There is something wrong with me. Its not that I think the world revolves around me but, uhg. I always think that people are talking about my stupid ass. I just cant ever shake that feeling. Its not that I dont have any proof that this happens, cuz Ive walked in on being talked about before.

Then there is my depression that is currently burning a hole in my freaking mind. Its not just in my head ok?! I hate it when people say that! Its a mental condition, that obviously I cant get rid of! Im also easily irritated if you couldnt tell. Why am I telling you all this? It doesnt matter because I am who I am whether people know or not. Its not easy being me, but I sure as hell wouldnt wanna be you. Haha.

You know what I hate more than anything? People thinking they know everything and correcting me. Making me feel like more of an idiot than I feel already. Unless its gonna hurt me or someone else, let me be wrong once in a while ok? I can only take so much bullshit.

Addiction

I found a poem yesterday that describes my feelings towards my addictions. Im not gonna name them, but I can tell you they arent good for me. My boyfriend is trying to help me with one of them, and Im trying, it just sucks.

That Familiar Feeling (addiction)

My thoughts escape

The cage I tried to put them in

My hands shake

Trying to keep it at bay

I look around

And find myself some solitude

Crying on the inside

Unable to fight back this addiction alone

I see it there

And it entices me

I fall into its grasp

Only for a moment

A measly moment

Of sinful pleasure

With my eyes to the floor

And my body hunched over

I return from my aloneness

Back out

Like nothing has happened

It has

And it hurts

Im ashamed

And stuck

Like a fly

On sticky paper

The spider of sin eats me slowly

How can I like that?
Because I can always return
to that familiar feeling.

Simplicity and Memories

Ive been reminiscing today, listenin to country and lookin at old pictures. Like when my cousin by marriage came to visit when he was 13 and I was 15. We had so much fun I miss my cousin Devin a lot. We both have changed a lot, but we'll always have that memory. I had a crush on him back then and so did he, but it didnt last long.

Ive also been thinkin about good memories of other people, that may not be in my life anymore, but have left a smile on my face. I wouldnt give up any of them for the world. I think people need to spend a little time like this now and again, remember what makes them who they are. Remember what makes them happy and how they came to where they are now.

Sweet Dreams

Its late but I wanna post a blog, my hands feel like typing. I know Im thinking too far in the future lately, but its not bad to have goals. With Matt, I honestly dont care if we marry or not. Im just glad to have the time I have with him.

Ive been doing a lot lately, that isnt very "Christian" of me. I know its wrong and for what reasons, but how can something that seems so right, be so wrong? I wanna be better, Matt seems to be a better Christian than me lately anyway. He kinda keeps me in check, but I push him away a little in that aspect. I feel bad, yet I dont, thats the scary part. I think Im in a "Its my fucking life" stage. I know the things I need to stop, I just dont want to. I miss church though, I dont have anyone to go with, or take me.

Another random tangent, I really want my poetry published. I dont know when though. I think it'll be when Im 25, cause thats the number that always pops in my head. Its also a good span of time, for a collection of poems. Shows the changes within life and time, and gives me time to work on a second book ;) haha. I know Im talented and that I can get someone to notice me, its just gonna take time. If theres one thing Im confident with, its my skills in poetry. (Granted my grammar is sloppy) but that can be fixed with some effort, I just dont put effort in grammar, in blog posts. Its always good to have a dream in life, and Im gonna follow through on this, some way, some how.

Job hunting and relationship status

dude I am so hyper, triple shot coffee man! Other than that.....Ive been hunting for pet sitting jobs and I actually got a response today. Im just a back up, and a maybe on the weekends person, but its a start. If the person for the posted job fails to show though, I sit for a week while they go on vacation and get $350, so Im praying. For some stupid reason though the pic I posted on the site wasnt "professional enough" Im like good God, whos judging this.

Me and Matt are doing well, I told him I loved him yesterday, Im really happy with him. We are slowly getting toour goal of moving out together. He has about an 80% chance of getting a job with DSHS soon, and like $10 something an hour. Im so praying for it, Im excited for him. He'll get paid to share his life story with foster kids. Hes a good guy, I hope I can be with him a long time.

Is hope enough?

When it comes to relationships, I have never been dumped, Ive always been the one to end it. Why? Some with reasons some without. Im worried that Im gonna end up throwing my current relationship away. The stupid thing is, there is nothing wrong with him, hes kind and funny, romantic, kinda dorky. I wanna make this work, I wanna change my habits and keep him. I cant keep doing this. Ive never wanted something to work this bad, even when things dont seem right. I pray and pray in hopes that I can keep this boy.

blah blah blah STFU

Yes Im in a particular bad mood now. Why, because I got somebody talking shit behind my back and it just supports my paranoia. I hate feeling like people are talking crap about me when I leave a room or somethings, and this just proves it further. Im not a normal person, and I dont think anyone is anyway. Ive got my faults, and my weird quirks, but why does it have to be said behind my back, much less at all. I may be an easily pissed off person sometimes, but seriously people. Id rather be around animals and not have them talk back and clean up their shit, in place of the people that talk shit.

Imagination and my lost marbles

So I was thinking earlier today, while I was exploring through my woods, that I dont get to be a kid anymore. I turned 15 and I was already being told I had to grow up, maybe even before that. It just doesnt seem fair. I understand not acting like a 5yr old in public, but even around the house, I feel....restrained. I miss the games I use to play as a kid and all the other stuff. I think thats why we gain a LACK of imagination. I personally think I have plenty, but can only express it in my poetry.
My boyfriend lets me act like a kid sometimes, I think he likes it, and he doesnt judge me. He just loves me and laughs. I had a good childhood, but who says I wanna let it go? I admit I am growing up, and Im trying to stand on my feet, but I want some innocence back. If that can be achieved, doubtful though. Ive lost that on a number of levels, and Im regretful in some ways. I dont like getting older, I just dont. I can accept my responsibilities as an adult, I just want some child-like fun back. Thats hard to find surprisingly, I think.

Pain was easier to handle as a kid, and I know you think thats what this is all about, but its not, its just one thing. Ive been through a lot of pain lately, and last night I broke down pretty heavily. I dont know all of WHY Im in pain, I just am. I cant stop the tears when they fall, and nothing but Gods love can catch them all. at least I have some people by my side to be there when its too much. I just wish it was easier to get back up, like it was when I was a kid. Stand up, brush off, and keep going.

So life, ya.

So Im kinda excited, even though it may not work out. I signed up on Care4hire.com, to be a pet sitter. I made it very flexible. It should be verified by tomorrow, then I just have to wait to be contacted by a family. I love animals, I hope I get a job. Mom also said that we are gonna go renew my permit tomorrow so I can start practicing my driving again. Me and my boyfriend are really trying to get our lives in gear. We are considering moving out together. Cause with my disability, I really need someone around the house to help me out. Who better than someone who completely accepts me. I would with Jessa but she'll be moving in with her bf, and I dont have many other people willing to do the things for me that I need done.

Matt didnt go back to job core, his instructor said he could get a job anytime he wants. The downfall though....he doesnt get the $1200 for finishing. With his skills though, once he gets a job, he'll make that up in no time. I dont think hes stupid for not going back, I think he just has his reasons, and they are good reasons. Hes a good guy, and I stick by his decisions, unless it will really hurt him. Though I do kind of wish he had finished. Its ok though.
Ive been spending a lot of time with him, and I feel we have some things to talk about. Not bad per se, just things. Every relationship requires talking right? I prefer to do serious discussions in person though. Its best that way. Im headed over today, we'll talk then.

Btw, anyone reading this should read this specifically. On October 18, 2011, there is a Pro life day of silent solidarity. Its advocating for babies who will never have a voice because of abortion. I strongly disagree on abortion. Im gonna be buying some red duct tape, and going to the mall to hand out flyers. I may sound like a crazy in your face person, but Im not. I just really care. For more information visit silentday.org

silentday.org

Chattering teeth and other nonesense

So my stress meter has gone way down since last night, I've been worrying that I may be pregnant, well it was negative, praise Jesus. I could not take care of a child, I'm too immature for that right now, even though Im growing up. Plus I couldn't support it, but I'm not pregnant so all is good.

Recently went to a gorgeous wedding with my handsome boyfriend. It was our friends. It was so much fun. You know, I dunno if I'm gonna be with Matt forever, but I don't care. We are making awesome memories. I enjoy his presence very much, he has such a sweet heart. I'm not as worried about "forever" as I use to be. Plus we aren't guaranteed tomorrow anyway, right?

Man, I cant wait to move outta my house, I know people say I'm gonna miss it, but Id rather miss it than suffer all the time like this. Its not a terrible home life, but there are things that very much upset me. I wanna live on my own now, and stop having to deal with this crap. My dad is a jerk, and has been for a long time, and has a funny way of parenting.  Me and my friend wanna move out together, I think its an ok idea. I need a job so bad though, and a damn license, sheesh, my lazy rents wont help me with any of it.

Late night silence

The TV is on, and I can hear myself typing, but that is it. The occasional buzzing of my phone for txts. My head swims in excitement, but not always the good kind. Its just very active. Im scared to say some things that are on my mind. What if its used against me? Doubtful, but what if someone actually reads it. Look, you see that, still with the What Ifs. Its never-ending I tell you.

Please Please whatever you do, I pray you dont use this against me, I am so fragile. Speaking of which, Ive actually been afraid to pray lately. Im a very firm believer in Jesus Christ and his death and resurection. So praying is important, but funny enough, I find it hard. I know a lot of Christians have felt the same too. None of us really want to admit it though. Its not Christian like not to pray, so it seems. I dont care, I have problems just like everyone else.

I should be asleep, I want to sleep, and yet I dont. I want to type and spill my heart of ink out, haha. Im a very metaphorical person too, my grammar sucks sometimes, but I try....aaand sometimes I dont. Again, I dont care at this moment in time. I wrote a poem today, actually a couple, but one I want to share.

Its called....

Miss Misstress

had love 

and she lost it

saw a chance 

and she bought it

had a fling

and she liked it

had a feeling 

and she fights it

found something new and she trashed it

returned and unwrapped it

she thinks about what might happen

gets stuck in the past

thinks this might not last

bounces back and forth like ping pong

been doing this for too long

opens her heart to let it bleed

and doesnt have enough to heal.

I hope it means something to someone, sorry if the font changed. I know it means a lot to me, but thats not always enough. I know it may sound like I want attention, but I just want to be heard, to make a difference somehow. Isnt that what we all want? We all think we can change the world, and we can, we just have to do it Gods way, or we'll just stay stuck like this.

Anyway, tired, so peace out, and I look forward to comments or questions, or anything. 

What a day

Today I did a lot of things, shopping with Jessa, getting shoes, spending time with my boyfriend, but my feelings today have been so weird. For a little while, I was so content, and felt a happy that was beautiful. When I was with my boyfriend, he makes me feel special and beautiful.

Then there was that foreboding feeling, and the anxiety hit, with memories and residual pain. The anxiety of the past never leaves you if it cuts deep enough. Like I told my boyfriend, most of the time its ok, but sometimes it just comes up. My boyfriend still doesn't know the story, he will soon though I think. I was sad when he left today, just as the anxiety hit, I guess him leaving was part of it. Overall though, I had a good day.

Im scared to put myself out here, cause, despite my uber trusting nature, not all people are trustworthy.....that is why I have the pain I do in my life.

Killing me inside

Im people needy, and I need people to see me. I swear Im not selfish, I guess it can seem that way. How do I get the attention that I need? I want to be noticed for my talents. Ive been away from my blog for a long while, I have a couple. I dont know what these are gonna do for me. I post so much on facebook, but no one notices there either.

Ive gone through a lot lately, so much pain, some happiness, plenty of confusion, denial, all sorts of things. I dont know much of me anymore, and yet I know exactly who I am, shes just lost. This sounds like a diary, but I dont care.

I have many people on my mind, many things, many cares and worries. MANY what ifs. One in particular I wont mention. This is the end of my blog post for now, maybe if I care to, I will post another. If anyone cares. Im always better on paper then I am in conversation.

stressed

Me and Peter had a hard time breaking up and talked all day yesterday. He decided we either needed to really go through with this or not. So we did. We will only be talking once a week for now. To check up on each other. Im so depressed, and niether of us think this feels right, but that could be just cuz we are too attatched too each other. We really are mostly just doing this to get closer to God, I really dont think we have any serious problems other than that. I cried so hard last night, I also woke up at like 3:30 in the morning from another bad dream, didnt get to sleep again til bout 4:00.
My grades are stressing me out, 2 months of school left and 2 F's. Im trying hard, but I guess not hard enough. I got to graduate this year. I WILL NOT do another year of high school.

mess of me

so me and my love, Peter, are  broken up right now. It was a painful, but mutual decision. We feel we need more time with God and need to make Him top on our list, rather than each other. Im a total wreck right now, I cant think straight, I feel like just sleeping the pain away. Praying about it makes me cry. Thinking about it makes me cry, and Im in the middle of class. We both agree its the healthiest decision right now, but I feel like dying. My heart is broken and its my fault. I just pray God  helps me through this. Amen.

Everything I wanted to know

My prayers have been answered in a huge way, and it has made me tear up in the middle of class. All my questions, my fears, have been given a sufficient answer, from a simple email sent to me by a friend. Its long, daughters in Christ read, even sons. It is addressed to girls, but I believe it works for guys too.
---------------------------


My Dearest Daughter,

I see your loneliness and fear. I know your hurt and your heartaches. In a special bottle I am storing each and every one of your tears. I see you searching for love, for happiness, for fulfillment. As much as I hate to see your pain, as much as it grieves me to see you struggle, all this must be, in order for you to totally and completely come to the end of your own understanding: only then can you fully hear my voice. Listen very carefully. Amidst the noise of the world, I'm calling. My voice is in the midst of your worst fears tenderly beseeching you to trust me, in the pain of your loneliness. If you hold real still, you can feel my arms encircling you and hear my soothing words of comfort. Yes, that still, small voice within you is mine. Yes, that gentle touch is me. Give me your pain- yes, all of it, and I will give you my peace. Give me your sorrow and I will give you joy unspeakable.


I cherish you, Daughter. I shed my blood so that you could be clean. I want you for my companion, my bride, to love and cherish now and throughout eternity and I plan to dress you in the most beautiful of white garments. As you live out the joy and experience the wonder of being my bride, I will be your gentle tutor conforming you to my image. I must begin by teaching you how to serve and live in submission to me. Let me convince you of your great value so that you may be able to fully share the love I have given you with the one you someday choose to bring to me as your earthly husband. Then, and only then, will you be the kind of wife I would choose for him. Give yourself completely to me. I want you to deny me nothing. I will not hurt you. I will not disappoint you. You can trust me- completely. I keep my promises. Do not be overly critical of yourself or become depressed because you are not perfect in your own eyes. It saddens me greatly to hear you criticize and devalue the one I love so much. Daughter, in me, you are complete and lacking in nothing. What right do you have to criticize the one I treasure? On what grounds do you find fault with what I have so fearfully and wonderfully made? Why do you call what I deem beautiful- ugly? Why do you believe that that one I love enough to die for is not good enough? Daughter, I want you to know who you are in me. I mean who you really are in me- completely loved and totally forgiven. I want you to trust me one step, one day, one second at a tie. Dwell in My power and My love and be all that you are in me, in My strength, and in My power. Do not fear what might happen or what the future may bring because my grace is sufficient and I will take care of you. Daughter, I know that you long to give yourself to someone, to have a deep relationship with him, and to be loved thoroughly and exclusively by him. But I must say no. Not until my love is enough. Not until you can see yourself truly complete in me. I love you, my child. Until you discover that your joy and satisfaction can be found in me alone, you will not be capable of handling the problems and disappointments that are part of every relationship. You can never be truly united with another in the way your heart desires, only I can fill that emptiness, only I can supply that need, only I can love you enough. You must be united with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings before you will have the strength to endure the many heart-aches and, yes, even soul-aches of even a seemingly perfect human relationship. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you my faithfulness, my gentleness, and my self-control. Then, you will need no other. Daughter, I want you to allow me to be enough.

You must keep your eyes on me, expecting the greatest and the best things from me. Keep experiencing the satisfaction of knowing that I am and that you are my child. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. Stay close by my side. Seek my face in the morning, my presence throughout the day, and my comfort at night. I am always there, Daughter. I will never leave you or forsake you. But, you must wait. Don't be anxious. Do not get in a hurry. Don't look around and fear or envy the things others have received from me. You must keep from looking off or away. Look up to me or you'll miss the things I want to show you, and then, when you are ready, I'll give you the desires I have put in your heart, the strength to endure all things, and the courage to risk your heart.



You see, until you are ready and the one I have for you is ready… I am working even this minute to have you both ready at the same time… until you are both living to, which you will, however imperfectly, reflect your relationship in me. First give me time to heal your wounds, console your heartaches, and ease your disappointments. Find me time to erase the painful memories of the past. Give me time to heal you and make you whole and complete in me.


I want you to experience real "agape" love- not the selfish, false love of the world. I want you to learn love that is patient and always kind. Love that knows no envy and is never boastful or proud. Love that is never rude or self-seeking. Love that is not easily angered or keeps a record of wrong. Love that does not delight in evil but instead rejoices in truth. The love I want for you Daughter, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, never fails. Because this love is of the spirit and not of the flesh, its natural fruit is joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I cannot give this love to you in or even through another except dimly, and then only in a limited capacity- for all will fail and eventually disappoint you. This perfect love, Daughter, can only be found in Me.


Let my perfect love flow from you and spill over to all you touch. Be not concerned with yourself; you are my responsibility. I will change you often without you even knowing it. Take your eyes off yourself, look only to me, I lead, I change, I create, but only when you are not striving. You are mine; let me have the joy of making you into my image- only I can do this. Above all else, look to me and me only, never to yourself and never to others. Do not struggle, relax and trust my love. I know what is best and will do it in and through you if you'll let me. Stop trying to become, and let me transform you from within. I love you Daughter. Will you let my love be enough for you? I'm waiting… will you wait too?

ablangada

less than 3 days til spring break, I'm pretty excited. Can't wait to get a little break, I still might be makin' up work though. I'm so behind, it sucks, I also have to read a book over the break and do a report on it. >,<
Ive been really worried about one of my best friends lately. Shes been involved sexually, way too much with her boyfriend, I just, I'm scared for her. I understand shes been under a lot of stress lately, which is why its hard to talk to her. I am happy thought that she is doing better physically today.
Peter and myself are doing ok, we are both awfully lonely lately though. It's been pretty rough since he went back to Chicago in February. We've had quite a bit of issues, both of us making more than we need. I love him dearly though, always will.
I wrote an article on nightmares for class, cause Ive been having them recently, so that was like, one of the first things that came to mind. Anyway, peace out. 

Girl with the purple hair

So ya I cut and dyed my hair. Stained the shower and sink purple. Along with my skin, but I fixed that. hope there wont be any purple people eaters comin to visit me...>.>......<.<.....0.0.
Peter is comin home from his trip today. We talked on the phone a bit, he seemed to have learned a lot about himself. Im also struggling with myself. Not sure with what though. We are still together and thats what matters. I think Im still dealing with my feelings from last week. Its hard, but I know I still love him. I really miss him.
Things have been going better with Jessaca and myself. Our friendship is a lot deeper now. Im not sure how much she's been listening about things, I think its just mostly its a big struggle, not that she doesnt listen.
Me and Alisha, I cant really say right now, because I dont really know. Its a complicated friendship, but a friendship none-the-less.

Bless it...Im alive another day

Life has been stressful lately, school, relationships. Its not a lot, but that's my life right now. If I had a job, that'd prolly be part of my stress too. I thought I had an interview yesterday for Wild Waves, but then they called back right after I got out of school and said "oh her interview isn't today, but we'll call back" uhg. Oh well.
You know I cant wait to graduate, I'm a little behind right now, but I know I'm gonna make it. I have to. I'm scared, but hopeful, that's been my catch-phrase lately. I don't know if I will be walking because Ive missed so many days, but all I'm worried about is my diploma. I'm getting the gown anyway, I can just take pics in it. Ive been unique from the start, what a way to end school right? XD.
Me and Peter, whoo, I don't know, we've been having our issues, but I love him so much. I just wanted to slow down, he didn't take it well. I think he's doing better today though. We are trying to really make our relationship a more Christ centered relationship. I don't know why but the right way always seems to be the most painful in the beginning. Sometimes he drives me crazy, but I care about him so much, and I wouldn't do this if I didn't feel it was Gods will. Its also a bit of a relief. I'm not ready for official engagement, maybe Peter is, but our lives aren't ready for it.

Depression

Ok so here I am again, blogging to myself, and one other person really, cuz the other two dont read it. I have been depressed today and its putting lots of thoughts in my head. It started with Peter not being himself last night, and he brought to my attention that it may not change for a while. I told him Id be there for him no matter what. He doesnt like who hes been becoming lately, and for some of it....niether do I. I love him dearly though, with all my heart. So some things were said last night and it depressed me. He says today that we will be ok, I believe him, because I trust God.
So I was praying today and trying to here from God, you know, what should I do. Nothing. I figure it will come when my heart is more open to his words. I feel open, but its not always about me. In fact its never about me.
Have you ever wished to accidently die? I have. I wish that I hadn't thought of that, but I do. To me it seems better than suicide. I guess its not really. Just sometimes, I think it would make all pains go away, but then there is Peter and Jessa and Alisha and Aaron, etc, who love me too much for me to let them live without me.
I thought about my ex's today, 2 in particular. One of which I thought about the disgusting things he use to do to me. At the time, I guess I just stopped caring about me and only cared about him. It makes me sick, because I let those things happen, and I let him do those things to my body and my heart, and manipulate my mind. If I wrote it all out, whoever read it would hunt him down to kill. I dont want that though, its over and done with. Death would be too easy for him. Then the other was really just one simple moment, when I realized, after all that time, I was not a priority at all.
I guess that got me thinking about Peter. I know Peter is who God has shown him to me to be. If that makes sense. I couldnt help but compare my ex's to him, and that was the worst idea ever. It got me thinking oh hey, and what if. Bullshit.
Why is it that depression pays more attention to detail than happiness. I write more about my struggles than I do my happiness. I try to write about my happiness, I really do, but it just, I dont know I guess it is like water color paints. It melds together if you have a bunch of colors. Depression is one maybe three colors, gray, blue, and nothing. easy to keep those on the page. I hate depression, it eats me up, and I let it happen. Its my inspiration, its my demon. I hate it so much, but I deal with it. Happiness is hard to keep, depression I can hold on to all day and it likes to follow.
When Im depressed I feel like taking a knife to my heart and splitting it open so I can bleed out the pain. Like when you cry, its like pushing out the pain from your tears. I cant tell you how wierd this is making me feel talking about all this.
Sometimes I imagine myself sitting down in the pooring rain, no tears though, just sitting there, and then lying down. Thats it, I guess I just find the rain refreshing....

Im done talking now...

I want to be a follower

This week is testing week for the Sophmores and select Juniors. Being a Senior I dont have to come in til 10:35am buuut, I dont drive, so I have to sit in the gym for a few hours. How lame. Im sick too, so I could use the extra sleep, too bad I guess.
I went to church on Sunday, it was refreshing. I did a lot of reflecting on my relationship with Christ. It was about being a follower not a fan. I was thinking hard about how if God told me to walk away from the "most important" thing in my life right now, could I. I think I could, but I definately need to focus on Him more. My heart says a lot of things, but I can tell Satan is really getting into my head. I need to pray more and try harder and let God be who he is in me. I can tell somewhere in me, there is a girl who is ashamed of her God. I dont want to admit it, but it seems to show sometimes. Embarassed is a better word, but doesnt make it better really. I hope God doesnt punish me too hard for it. I know he knows Im only human.

I will post a song I wrote a while back later, I do not have access to it at this current point in time.

WOOT

So finally spent some time with Jessa, long time comin. Im at her house today, I think we are gonna see a movie or something. I had the craziest dream last night, and I think its because Im not entirely fond of her dad. Hes ok I guess. I have homework, but Im not gonna do it til Sunday, lol. Well Im bored and this was a pointless entry. Peace out. <3

FRIDAY!

So its Friday again.....thank God for Fridays. I took a test today hoping it gets my Personal Finance grade up, its 9:12am...too much of the day left to go, bleck. I enjoyed math today, I got some problems right, that a lot of the class didnt. Apparently I'm better at reading directions than they are : D . Im happy that Im understanding math again, but we have hw this weekend, booooo! Oh well. Still wondering if I should go to Tolo tonight. Probably wont, I have no friends to go with :(. Its $8 a person, :p. Idk. Its alice in wonder land themed and I want to wear my blue dress, but Im finiky with my money. Especially cuz of Creation this summer. I might go, who knows.

In Gods Garden

So I got this message from the Spirit Family website (105.3fm) and I get little, daily, encouraging messages from the hosts. So this is one I got....

Just a week and a half until the first day of Spring. I'm already looking forward to getting out in my trowel and weed puller and taking on my yard. I used to wish there was a way to just rake everything once and have it never come back. Not so much. It's why I uproot each little weed. I've actually come to enjoy it. There’s something so satisfying about looking at a small patch of ground that is clear because I spent some time. God is the same kind of gardener when it comes to the bad habits in our lives. So glad He takes the care and the time to get things clear. 

Something that I guess God is helping me with is my motivation. I'm starting to get more and more motivation to improve my grades. I also see God uprooting weeds in areas of my friends lives and hes taking his time, I'm enjoying seeing the improvement. 

Woosh, thanks life...again

Well found out some bad news abou a friend of mine last night. Too bad Im not going into detail about it xD. Seriously though, Im really torn up about this, and Im quite angry. After it all though, knowing what I know and the things that happened, Im not mad at her for the things SHE did. Just what happend to her. I wish I could have done more, been there.
Grades are still failing, but Im going in on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays every day til my grades are up, at the request of my counselor. I really hate school, I cant wait to be out. Im not gonna miss it at least until Im 25. Then MAYBE. I feel like I work so hard and get no where. Im doing it though, mostly for Peter, I want him to be proud of me.

Worn Out

This weekend was a killer. Saturday was reletively ok but it, I dont know. Sunday me and Alisha got into a big fight about the stuff that I think what shes doing is wrong. I was at a loss of what to say and I got impulsive. Her mom talked to me and prayed with me, and some things were revealed to me, not by her but God. I went in and told her "Im sorry for getting up in your face, I love you, I havent been treating you like a human being and Im sorry for that too." So things are alright for the time being, but I couldnt sleep well at all last night. My body and mind was/is reeling with emotions. Then dad got me up and is like "I'll give you 20 minutes" waking me up from a dead sleep, .....lovely. Im freaking about my math grade, and how mom is gonna react. I dont know what she will do about it. Im worried its gonna affect me and Peter talking. Im thinking of talking to my counselor about a tutor.

Im gonna kill him

This dude is fuckin my best friend and I am more than angry about it. He talks about it freely on fb, and its just sex to him. They say I love only one month after being together, let alone have sex. I wanna fucking hit him where it counts, over and over, so that when he thinks of having sex with her, he feels me hitting him in the balls so hard he cries. If he cares about her at all he will leave her!

his post that has pushed me over the edge

ALRIGHT! SO! Sexytime already is doing this for me cuz she is awesome and knows people with the stuff I need, but if you have ANY cloths or ANY accecories or ANY jewlary you dont want any please gives to me, I need stuff >.< material and thing, if need be I will pay, I'm mainly looking for bondage style if you know what I mean (tripps)

She said I said

Some girl in P.E was being annoying and talking about so and so' d**k. So I told her to shut the f**k up. She started going off on me and I went off on her. She said she could beat my a*s and I said yeah right, but I'm not gonna fight you. She said don't talk sh** if you're not gonna fight me. I'm just staring at her at this point. So after a few minutes I tried to be the bigger person and apologize, but she just went off on me again. I'm still shaking I'm mad, and I feel kinda bad. I don't know. I don't like fighting physically *sigh*

Smile....or not

So lately, people are stressed and so am I. Life is getting to them as it is me. They seem to smile, genuine, but its like someone is pulling the corners of their mouth. Maybe Im just overthinking, I want to do my best to help, but Im only human. I need to worry about myself too, Im failing two classes. I hope I can bring 'em up. If I could hug them all and tell them its alright and it would be enough I would. I have behaviors that are bad too, but I dont believe Im wrong for wanting to stop theirs. I know the people who they are meant to be are in there, it surfaces, but they have not peeled out of their old skin, not yet. Maybe I havent either....

A promise......

I have made promises and promises have been made to me, and today I reflected on that, still dont know what good it will do. First of all the promise I made to the Lord, to follow in his way, and die to myself each day. I dont know if I have been doing that right. It is definately a hard task.
Secondly the promise Peter made to me, to be by my side the rest of my life, I have made the same to him...But away from him I feel a slight different person. Am I, or am I just too hard on myself? Is it bad I want to better myself for him? I could almost hear him say, "you shouldnt better yourself for me but for God" There is when I began to make an argument inside my head. I do wanna better myself for God, but is it wrong to use Peter as a motivation. Are my priorities not in order? Do I simply need to just stop thinking and let God work, or has my effort dwindled to none? It is all very hard, and yet easy at the same time to think about. I am in love with my God and in love with my man. Peter is a blessing and I want to be the woman he sees, with or without him. Im not perfect but I think sometimes I try too hard for that. Other times I fret over my sins or misguidedness.
Ive been drawing a picture last couple days, its really coming together, I think I'll finish it tonight. Im pleased with it so far.

sick

Im sick to my stomach and angry as all hell. I cant believe she can tear up her skin like that. Every cut makes me want to shake her. People care and she knows it but she wants to be a mess! I cant leave her to die, but what am I suppose to do when every cut reminds me of carrying her out of her bathroom to the hospital. I feel like throwing up. How could she keep doing this. You are a liar! You are a cutter! Stop lying to me! Stop cutting! Stop being so selfish!!!!! You must like the pain to want to cause it for all of us......

School and such

At school right now and trying to think of a new concept for a drawing. I got some ideas in mind but nothing solid yet. Im really tired and kind of down today, I also think I may be getting sick. It was a rough weekend, but Im better. I feel like Im thinking about a lot, but I cant really pin-point, anything. Its minorly frustrating. Grades are also on my mind, they are slipping, but Im trying. I just want to go home, and talk to Peter. Definately NOT go to P.E, blah >.<.

Cold

This weekend has been cold, as well as my emotions. Not numb, but cold and sad, my raining tears cant express my guilt. I havent started my list yet, Im bad at getting things started. I need to draw today for my art class, and I need to pick up the pace. I think I'll draw something and dedicate it to Peter. I wanted to write him a poem, but I dont know how it would make him feel. I love him. I will get started on my list as soon as I can. Too bad I dont have my camera, I could take pictures in the remaining snow.

A life of creativity needs a spark

Sometimes the flame dies and sometimes it just needs something to keep it going. This is the list of 100 things that Im going to be doing for the next 3 and a half months, one each day. I will post pictures of said thing on the list if it calls for such. Im very excited to do this and I cant wait to record it.

This list is from Keri Smith’s Website – here. She’s a brilliant illustrator and has inspired me a lot recently.
1. Go for a walk. Draw or list things you find on the sidewalk.
2. Write a letter to yourself in the future.
3. Buy something inexpensive as a symbol for your need to create (new pen, a teacup, a journal). Use it everyday.
4. Draw your dinner.
5. Find a piece of poetry you respond to. Rewrite it and glue it into your journal.
6. Glue an envelope into your journal. For one week, collect things you find in the street.
7. Expose yourself to a new artist (go to a gallery or in a book). Describe what moves you about it.
8. Find a photo of a person you do not know. Write a brief bio about them.
9. Spend a day drawing only red things.
10. Draw your bike.
11. Make a list of everything you buy in the next week.
12. Make a map of everywhere you went in one day.
13. Draw a map of the creases on your hand (knuckles, palm).
14. Trace your footsteps with chalk.
15. Record an overheard conversation (in a notebook, I presume?).
16. Trace the path of the moon in relation to where you live.
17. Go to a paint store. Collect ‘chips’ of all your favorite colors.
18. Draw your favorite tree.
19. Take 15 minutes to eat an orange.
20. Write a haiku.
21. Hang upside down for five minutes.
22. Hang found objects from tree branches.
23. Make directions for a puppet.
24. Create a collage from things you find in nature.
25. Read a book in one day.
26. Illustrate your grocery list.
27. Read a story out loud to a friend.
28. Write a letter to someone you admire.
29. Study the face of someone you do not like.
30. Play with your food.
31. Create a museum of very small things.
32. List the smells in your neighborhood.
33. List 100 uses for a tin can.
34. Fill an entire page in your journal with small circles. Color them in.
35. Give away something you love.
36. Choose an object. Draw the side you can’t see.
37. List all of the places you’ve ever lived.
38. Describe your favorite room in detail.
39. Write about your relationship with your washing machine.
40. Draw all of things in your purse/bag.
41. Make a mini-book on the theme ‘my grocery list’.
42. Create a character based on someone you know. Write a list of personality traits.
43. Recall your favorite childhood game.
44. Put postcards you respond to on the inside of your kitchen cupboard doors so you can see them everyday.
45. Draw the same object every day for a week.
46. Write in your journal using a different medium (Brush and ink, charcoal, old typewriter, crayons, markers).
47. Draw the individual items of your favorite outfit.
48. Make a useful item using only paper and tape.
49. Research a celebration ritual from another culture.
50. Do a temporary art installation using a pad of post it notes and a pen.
51. Draw a map of your favorite sitting spots in your town/city (photocopy it and give it to someone you like).
52. Record all of the sounds you hear in the course of one hour.
53. Using a grid, collect various textures from magazines and play them off of each other.
54. Cut out all Media for one day. Write about the effects.
55. Make pencil rubbings of six different surfaces.
56. Draw your garbage.
57. Do a morning collage.
58. List your ten most important things (not including animals or people).
59. List ten things you would like to do everyday.
60. Glue a photo of yourself as a child into your journal.
61. Transform some garbage.
62. Write an entry in your journal in really LARGE letters.
63. Collect some flat things in nature (flowers, leaves). Glue or tape them into your journal.
64. Physically alter a page (ie. cut a hole, pour tea on it, burn it, fold it, etc).
65. Find several color combinations you respond to in public. Document them using swatches, write where you found them.
66. Experiment with simple print making (ie. mono print, photocopy, stamping, potato printing, lino, eraser).
67. Record descriptions or definitions of words you are interested in, found in encyclopedias or dictionaries.
68. Draw the outline of an object without looking at the page. (contour drawing).
69. What were you thinking just now? write it down.
70. Do nothing.
71. Write a list of ten things you could to do. Do the last thing on the list.
72. Create an image using dots.
73. Do 3 drawings at different speeds.
74. Put a small object in your left pocket (or in a bag), Put your left hand in the pocket. Draw it by feel.
75. Create a graph documenting or measuring something in your life.
76. Draw the sun.
77. Create instructions for a simple everyday task.
78. Make prints using food. (fruit and vegetables cut in half, fish, etc.)
79. Find a photo. Alter it by drawing over it.
80. Write a letter using an unconventional medium.
81. Draw one object for twenty minutes.
82. Combine two activities that have not been combined before.
83. Write about your day in an encyclopedic fashion. (i.e. organize by subject.)
84. Write a list of all the things you do to escape.
85. Cut a random shape out of several layers of a magazine. Make a collage out of the results.
86. Write an entry in code.
87. Make a painting using tools from the bathroom.
88. Work with a medium that is subtractive.
89. Write about or draw some of the doors in your life.
90. Make a postcard that has some kind of activity on it.
91. Write an entry about a secret. Cut it up and glue the pieces in randomly.
92. Devise an entry using “layers”.
93. Write your own definition of one of the following concepts, sitting, waiting, sleeping (without using the actual word.)
94. List 10 of your habits.
95. Illustrate the concept of “simplicity”.
Your own list (write down and complete your own ideas):
96.
97.
98.
99.
100.

Speak Real

Here is a poem, that dictates the last few weeks of my life.

Speak Real

speak to me
with all your heart
even when pain is the only residence
speak to me before you fall apart
speak with honesty
truth
Tell me when your happy
Let me know exactly why
show me how you feel
even if its to only cry
breath in deep
and spill your thoughts
I wish we could all be honest like that
Tell me what hides behind you lips
what you hold in your clasped hands
please I beg
to know you more.
Show me where your secrets hide
I promise in me you can confide
bring whatever blocks your tounge
and let your words run off.
I only want to know everything
even the things you're scared to tell
what more harm could it do
that waiting could do more.
Speak to me
and open a door
to a new level of love.

Snow day....for me!

Mom said we could stay home from school today, not a ton of snow, be we dont usually get a whole lot of snow anyway. Might go sledding today, or make me a snowman.
Im feeling kind of down today about things, I think Im too clingy with people, and I know some people think I kinda am too. Im people needy, I know it. Maybe I should back off. I just want to be wanted around too.
Stupid writers block, I have lot of poems you may or may not have seen, but I wanna put new ones up. I just cant right now.

Desperate or Stupid

Im goin with desperate for now......I am so desperate to help out this friend of mine. I love her to pieces, and I dont know why, but I do. She cuts and hurts herself and just cant stop. I know addiction, Ive been there, even in the cutting arena. I want so bad to help her, I went as far as to ask her if cutting myself in front of her would make her stop. A little contradictory I know, but it helped me. I dont think Im gonna do it, but if she told me that would fix it, I would, so fast. I know its not what others want, but my heart is killing to help her. Im not God, but Im trying so hard to lead her to him, so very hard. Its so much work, but I cant keep throwing her away like I have. Im not in a position to do that. I dont know exactly what she needs, but Im gonna experiment to find out. I know God wants me to be friends with her, and thats what Im gonna do. Because every time we stop being friends and become friends again, its like starting from square one. Shes not a project, but my commitment as a friend.

Winter isnt over yet.....

Its snowing today, suppose to snow alot tonight. Obviously winter isnt over yet. Seems that way for a few other things in and around my life also. When will things warm up? Who knows. Im in school right now, I really dont look forward to Journalism anymore. We are reading some stupid book by Shakespear, Much ado bout nothing. I read it last year, or some of it anyway. lol. Im good at writing papers, I only need a little information. So anyway, thats it for my day so far. Later!

Tired.......

Went to Alishas today, we talked. It feels like an invisible wrestling match sometimes. Our words are soft and few. There is pain behind both of our words though. I think we are both afraid to be real, despite how real she says she is with me.
Im missing Peter right now, a lot. His dad, tics me off, never delivers phone messages like he says he will. Wrote a poem today...here it is. Its not one of my best, but its all real. Sometimes the real stuff isnt flowing, but it is beautiful.
Miss you baby

It was cool and sunny
uneven ground beneath my boots
dressed all pretty
for pictures for you
a dirty barn
with light shining through
leaned against the wall
wanting to say nothing at all
stop pointing that thing
Im not gonna talk
shes gonna get all of this isnt she
who the hell is....
He came to see me!
OMG
oopsI fell down
breath
stand up
wont let go
you cant make me
look up
hug tight
look back
the sun is bright
kiss him now
dont wake up.

It was all amazing
until you  left
It was raining
silent sadness
home again
sitting on the porch
just your scent broke me
I cried all day
everything reminded me
of that week
when you swept me off my feet
but you'll be back
You've made clear of this
next time
an even sweeter kiss.

FRIENDS!

So me and Alisha are friends again, Im so happy bout that. Shes my soul sister, and as silly as it sounds, its totally true. I love her to pieces. We both missed each other terrible. Im going over to her house tomorrow so we can catch up, and talk about the problems we have, because they arent just gonna go away. Im excited to see her again.
I watched the video of me and Peter again today. Made me smile again. Im gonna write him a poem tonight I think before he gets home so within the next half hr. :D

Another day....

I feel like a loser for costing myself my job. I mean I hated it, really I did, but I feel stupid for getting myself fired. Its hard for me to apply places because my transportation is so limited. I hate feeling not accomplished enough. Im 18 and jobless, havent graduated highschool yet....I just feel kind of behind. Im always the kid who hasnt grown up yet. Least thats what I feel like. I feel silently made fun of sometimes for losing my job and having an extra year in Highschool. Im doing my best, but I get this vibe from people lik Im still not good enough.

On waiting

I was just thinking, I wonder how much of our lives we spend waiting. Waiting for things to be over, waiting for things to come, waiting to see things, waiting to forget things. What does it all mean, when do we get to see and do the things we wait half our lives for? Again I am left waiting for things. Waiting for the love of my life to come back, waiting to graduate, waiting to move out, waiting to marry. I know God calls us to wait patiently, but what can I do now? I know we are a society of instant gratification, I dont deny that. In food, in love, in money. We want everything to happen now. Everyone knows that, but its hard for anyone to change that. Waiting is the single hardest thing in our lives. God will make it easier I believe, myself and everyone else just needs to get into Gods word and do some praying. In a life like this its hard for even me to do those things...but I heard in a sermon when Peter was here, that Jesus eliminates excuses, because his love and wisdom is for anyone, and anyone means everything.

Luke 9:23 ... Then he said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn
from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me.

Sunny and Sleepy

Today is a nice warm sunny day, but Im so bored and doing homework. I kind of want to take a nap. Peter is gone at work today all day. I really want to talk to him. I havent written a poem in something like two weeks. Its kind of depressing really. I was looking at pics of me and Peter when he came to town, it made me smile. :) Cant wait til he comes back.

Breathing Life

One breath at a time, I move on, I let go, I cry. Not on the outside but Im sad. I want to help her, but she doesnt want it. I dont want to fix her, just help her. I havent posted a poem since the first one, I want to, just dont know what to post yet. Im good I swear. Just....lazy I guess.
Catching up on homework this weekend. Its a bit of a task, but Im shooting to fix all this in the next week/ week and a half, because we have no school monday and tuesday.
I miss Peter, so deeply. Ive been at war with my thoughts lately. I love him so much. I cant keep control of my thoughts. Im gonna pray more, thats all I can do.

what to do

So a lot has happened lately. I feel that this is pointless because nobody looks at it. Me and Alisha are not friends anymore. She surprisingly didn't respond to the message I sent her....in an odd way...I'm proud of her. On a happier note. Peter came to see me last Thursday 2/10/11, my boyfriend now fiance. It was the most amazing time Ive ever had. He surprised me so well. It was nice. I will remember that week for the rest of my life. My favorite was the initial surprise, and laying down next to him watching T.V, that just felt really nice. He went home yesterday, I miss him bunches. I will post a poem soon, Im feeling creative ^_^

I dont have to be here

My friend is in complete denial of how desructive she is and I cant take much more. Apparently in her terms I am a vulture.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I've never been so angry
How could you leave him broken
Act like your lies weren't spoken
I wish I would have warned him
I saw my self in his pain
I saw his sorrow in his disdain
He's just one more marker,
in her trail of ruin.
Glossed over words
To hide its true poison.
Digging your thorns into all of our hearts
I cant take anymore of this
Im done this time for sure.
You seem in denial though
All you need is yourself
Have fun with your life
rotting in your filth.
I loved you so much
One of my best friends
Now our phone calls are shorter
Our words much more shallow
its like nothing we've been through
means anything.

Pieces

So this is my Journal/Poetry, I am currently making an actual website for Heart of Ink, it is almost done.